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Wednesday 12th of December 2018
Jeff Wiseman 1209 19th of September 2012 by Laura Tabor 19th of September 2012
Top ten lesser-known British Olympic gold medals

After a remarkable London Olympics, looks at some of the gold medals for the British team which may have escaped your attention:

1. Queueing Pentathlon—The Great Britain Queueing team (all fifteen of them) queued perfectly, scoring maximum points in “Queueing for the bus”, “Queueing in a shop”, “Queueing in the Post Office”, “Queueing in a bank” and “Queueing Generally”.

2. Tea Making—Gladys Teabag, aged 54 years, from London, made an absolutely first-class cup of tea, and scored maximum points for flavour, teapot handling and adding a dash of milk.

3. Not Panicking—Major-General Horace Steefupper-Lipp must be congratulated here. Things didn’t start well, but he kept calm. When it looked as though he might win the bronze medal, he still retained his cool demeanour, which put him into silver position. When silver looked inevitable, he made absolutely sure not to panic, which won him the gold.

4. Putting Up an Umbrella—Mrs Brenda Drizzle won, putting up her umbrella in a remarkable 0.2 seconds, when faced with a quick shower of rain in the Olympic stadium.

5. Hiding Emotions—Forever maintaining his silence, medal winner Joe Throgmorton skillfully offered no emotional response after being kissed by a beautiful woman, then having boiling water poured over his naked feet, and finally having his right hand nailed to a table. T-shirts saying “Don’t let it show, Joe” are selling very well.

6. Frying Things—Norman Greasy won easily after frying a full English breakfast, three bags of chips, his socks, two cats, a selection of shoes and, remarkably, a complete sofa.

7. Apologising—In a standard Olympic conversation, Mrs Binky Tinkerton managed to say “sorry” 32 times in less than one minute.

8. Not Giving Up—Bernard Whim was awarded this gold medal in his absence. He decided to arrive at the Olympics after making a round-the-world trip by unicycle for charity. After being robbed, kidnapped, run over, robbed again, imprisoned, hospitalised, wounded, hospitalised again, and suffering at least six punctures, he’s expected to arrive in London in 2014. Go on Bernard!

9. Making Jam—A gold medal went to Doris Plimsoll for her “Peach Delight”. Judges found three whole peaches in one jar, and commented that “The fruit content was incredible.”

10. Singing the National Anthem Too Quickly—Awarded to everyone who went to an Olympic venue and sang along. Without fail, the crowd completed the lyrics at least 5 seconds before the music actually finished.

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